C,

I suppose it's natural that a lot of people who read this will assume that I am referring mainly to romantic love. It's a pretty natural conclusion, and I'll freely admit that I blur my references to warmth with references to the type of love that sounds primarily romantic. So, you're not the only person who took that away from this piece.

For what it is worth, however, the warmth I am talking about is substantially broader than that. I based this piece on a brief correspondence I had with John Gorman in the comments of one of his own works (you can find the link in the middle of my article, actually; look for the underlined phrase). Gorman was talking about the importance of social connection, in general -- of being one of those people who others want in the room, and how working hard and being excellent can't compensate for that. They're different things -- competence and warmth.

I put this article together with the expectation that not many people would read it. I didn't anticipate that it would be viewed by thousands, so I didn't elaborate or clarify much. But the basic principle I had hoped to communicate with this piece is something like this:

Some of us feel like we're not good at the warmth of social connection -- laughing, connecting, talking, enjoying others, and being enjoyed by others. To those of us who feel that way, we often double down on work -- because we hope that if we appear incredible, or useful, others will step in to fill the gap and provide the warmth that we cannot generate for ourselves. But in reality it is almost always better to strive for warmth directly instead of through work.

One of the things I would suggest, then, is that you don't interpret this piece as solely relating to romantic love. For a host of reasons, romance may not be for everybody -- but that doesn't block us from going out and seeking simple human warmth. My point in this article is that there is a set of things that you can go do to cultivate warm relationships directly. They may take learning (and therapy), but going directly for them is better than working endlessly to be useful in the hopes that someone else will bridge the gap.

Regarding love, relationships, and romance, I highly recommend reading Bella DePaulo. She's a life-long single person, a fantastic psychological researcher, and she has actively fought for the last twenty years against the stigma typically associated with singleness. She points out (correctly, in my estimation) that the modern world promotes love, marriage, and relationships with a fervor that borders on religious. It's a bit unsettling, actually, once you see it. And they overlook a lot of things in their fervor.

That's not to say that it is wrong to want a relationship, or that it is wrong to feel lonely if, for whatever reason, you decide that you cannot have it even if you want it. I can't speak to your reasons because I don't know you, and you seem like a person who understands your own soul pretty well, so it's not reasonable for me to try to advise you. However, if you do believe that single is the path you'll continue walking (willingly or not), then DePaulo's work might help a little bit because she points out, very strongly, that while it might be painful to be single, it is not shameful. My own impression, on first reading her work, was "Oh thank God. I'm not insane; other people see this too."

Whatever direction you go from here I hope that it is happy and full of warmth. I wish you the best.

J